Question: I have trouble getting aroused - it feels almost as if my sexual organs are not linked properly. I am in a long term relationship and often find myself not wanting to have sex at all, but I do it to not deprive my partner. We have tried many different things: for a start we have talked about it, although not much really came out of that. We have used toys, different places, all sorts of things but it is like my mind is always detached from it. I would like to enjoy it, everyone says it is amazing, but I have never felt that. The best part is the cosiness at the end! I have never had an orgasm (I know that some woman do not have them) and I have never had any desire to try and 'pleasure myself'. It has been the same with my previous partners as well. Help!

Answer: From your brief history and description, there are several ways that you can help yourself to a solution for your issues. First of all, in all likelihood, your "organs are linked properly" but to rule out any physiological cause of your low desire, it may be a good idea to see your GP and have a check up. If everything comes back fine, then the cause of your low sex drive is most certainly is in your sexual response and sexual education.

First of all, we like to do things that feel good, and we try to avoid things that feel bad, or don’t give us a reward of some type. So if you have never had an orgasm, you haven’t experienced one of the big motivators for wanting to have sex. Orgasm is not the only reason to have sex, of course not, there are lots of other reasons too, from physical pleasure, sensual exploration, sharing, intimacy and love, to name a few. But to rev up your sexual response and desire, if your body and brain know that deep pleasure awaits, it will be more excited, literally. So while you say you haven’t ever had a desire to pleasure yourself, that’s actually one of the main ways you could learn to have an orgasm, and then teach your partner. And if you were having orgasms, at least some of the time, your arousal would be greater, and your desire to have sex again and again would follow suit.

Also, though, you mention being “detached” from sex, no matter how experimental and creative you are. This is not uncommon for women. The way women’s brains operate, with an efficient ability (sometimes too efficient!) to multi-task, a woman can sometimes find that her brain gets distracted by all manner of things, some very unsexy and downright boring things even! If you find you’re just not into it, or constructing the shopping list during intercourse, re-focus on sex by having longer foreplay, doing the things you enjoy.

You mention you love the cosy feelings after sex the best. So it’s the intimacy and affectionate touch that you love. Rather than having quickies to meet your partner’s needs, try having longer love making sessions that start with lots of cuddles and caresses (your partner won’t mind, after all you’re working on bettering your sex life for you both!) and build from there to a spicier sex life you both desire equally. Use what you know works to get you in the mood, and don’t forget to spend some time alone, figuring out what turns you on, and how you can climax. Reaching orgasm on your own can be a wonderful discovery of pleasure for yourself – it’s worth the time and effort so make yourself a priority and try it. You might get a big happy thank you from yourself!