What do you do when your wife is not into sex? I have a high sex drive and she really could take it or leave it. She says she's tired or got a head ache. I know we are busy with work and kids but you need time together don't you?
Answer: This is a question I'm sure many can relate to. Desire discrepancy when it comes to sex is very common. Sometimes a couple has a small difference in opinion when it comes to sex, negotiating between one and three times a week for example. But more often, desire discrepancy causes a problem because the difference in sex drive is much greater, with as you describe, one partner having a quite high sex drive and the other partner no having much of one at all, if any.
You're right that a couple needs together time. It's vital, and without it, a couple can drift apart or lose their spark for one another. Having said that, alone time should not always be reserved just for sex. If you do that you set up a pattern of pressure and expectation that only makes the problem worse. Pressure for sex actually decreases libido and turns a "maybe" into a "no". If your partner thinks that any time you are alone you will strike straight into initiating sex, then they will likely avoid alone time altogether and this is counter productive for nurturing your bond and desire for one another.
So if her sex drive is ho-hum, and yours is red-hot, for awhile you might both have to compromise that you will settle for a little less sex and she will agree to a little more sex, but all the while you must agree to work on your relationship, not sexually, but sensually too. Make sure you carve out some alone time that isn't sexual. Really focus on your connection by doing fun things together, and yes, go on date nights. But also spend time being affectionate without leading to intercourse. This is very important for her, because sexual touch releases oxytocin, which is often called the bonding or cuddle hormone, but also makes her feel close to you and can spark desire. She wants to know she has your love separate to sex. Men often say "I love you" by showing their desire for their partner. They express their emotional love through physical love. Women on the other hand frequently separate the two and want to know they are emotionally loved without necessarily the physical part, but in addition to it and even without it. So to invest in your sex life with your wife, you need to spend a lot of energy investing in all the other aspects of your life and relationship with her.
Add to this, last but not least, the need for sleep. The sexual response is like any other part of our body: it needs rest to function properly, let alone at its potential. So if your wife says she's tired, eliminate that obstacle to a great (and frequent) sex life, by helping her get more rest.
If you focus on a healthy lifestyle, and plenty of time together as a couple outside the bedroom, and make some reasonable compromised expectations inside the bedroom, you can change your desire discrepancy and put a hot sex life back in your relationship. No more ho hum take it or leave it, but you'll both rediscover reasons to be more yes yes yes!