Question: One day I thought I would surprise my husband and came home from work for lunch, he was all set up in front of the TV watching a blue movie, I felt sick and stormed out the house. We talked about it but I thought his excuse was lame, he said he had rang a sex helpline as he was having erection problems and this is what they suggested! Do you think it means he has gone off me and prefers watching more perfect bodies?

Answer: The good news in this situation is that you and your husband sat down and talked about what happened. Many other couples would have retreated to their frustrations, embarrassment and assumptions, and the problem would only become worse. It's important when it comes to sex, including sexual difficulties, that you face them and discuss them as a couple, no matter how difficult that feels to do. So good for you on that front. You’re ahead of the pack, which means it will be a lot easier to deal with and solve from here.

Since you talked once, you can talk again, and you'll need to. If your husband’s reason for calling a helpline is legitimate, that he has been (is) having erectile problems, then those need to be addressed. There could be many causes for erection issues and the solution will only work if it addresses what the cause is. It could be a side effect of a medication, it could be stress, an emotional difficulty, or a psychological or physiological issue. He needs to see his GP as a first consult and perhaps be referred to a specialist from there. Ringing a helpline can often lead to bogus advice, which I suspect has happened here. Anyone who would suggest porn as a solution to erectile issues without also suggesting communication with a partner and counsel from an expert, preferably face to face, cannot be a reliable or credible source of information.

If it's not actually true and just the "excuse" as you put it that he promptly used when he was caught watching porn, then that's a different matter. It means he has made the choice to watch porn without you and without your knowledge, rather than because someone suggested it or gave him permission to do so. This then needs to be talked about between you. How do your libidos compare? Is his desire for sex much higher than yours and so he uses this as a sexual outlet when you're not around? If so, how do you feel about that? You can negotiate this as it is, or to work out frequency of sex to better suit both your needs.

In terms of "going off you" – do you have any reason to think this, other than catching your husband viewing porn? Because porn is a fantasy outlet, and men by and large are very good as separating fantasy from reality. They use porn as a sexual outlet, to use visual stimuli to excite their sexual appetite and release some urges, but not necessarily to try to create a new sexual relationship with the porn stars and images they see on screen. Research shows men prefer the woman between the sheets with them, the wonderful woman they can physically touch, even at much larger sizes, with flaws and all, than a perfect two-dimensional woman whose purpose is really only as a sexual release. You won't know why your husband is choosing the porn he is, unless you ask him. But as a general pretty reliable rule, no, when men watch porn it’s not because they've gone off their partner, but because they want added sexual stimulation and release. So if you want to share that, change that, negotiate that or understand that, you've got to sit down and talk about it - together.