I am married and over the last couple of years my husband has become less and less interested in sex, yet he constantly looks and downloads porn and naked pictures on his phone. He also has a stash of girly magazines, some of which are nude mags and when I've asked him about it, he denies having the mags and porn. He then finds new hiding places for the magazines whenever I tell him I've found them.
I feel so betrayed by the lies and the fact that he prefers to look at this stuff instead of coming to me. I am constantly being rejected by him and it hurts like hell and I tend to withdraw from him. It's not just the rejection but also what he gets up to when I'm not around.
I have never turned him down for sex as I enjoy it too. On the rare occasions we do have sex it last 30 seconds and as you can imagine, I'm very frustrated.
I have thought about leaving but I love him, but can I live with someone who doesn't know I exist half the time and who blatantly lies to me about this? When I confront him he tells me I'm stupid.
He had a huge drinking problem and has been violent towards me but this has improved a bit.
Please help, as I don't know how to deal with this.
Answer:There are many issues at play in your situation and it's important to address them all because it's likely they are interrelated and together contributing to the overall relationship conflict. The first one that needs to be looked at seriously is the violence. If there is any continuing abuse or even a cycle of abuse without the violence, meaning verbal, emotional, psychological with an apology and promise to never do it again, but then it does repeat, you must make plans to leave or seek help immediately. Absolutely nothing can be fixed on your own, and without guidance, unless you feel safe in your relationship, which is impossible if there is any form of abuse occurring. I would strongly encourage you to see a counselor at any rate simply based on your statement that when you try to talk to him about this issue, and how you feel, he calls you stupid. First, this is unacceptable in a partnership. Second, it is exceedingly unhelpful as a response, particularly when you are trying to be heard, and trying to address a deep problem in your relationship. Seeing a counselor will give you support as well as specific advice for your situation. Whether you go alone or as a couple, the guidance you can receive from seeing a counselor face to face will help you figure out your best course.
It is entirely understandable that you feel rejected by your husband. He is lying to you, keeping secrets, withdrawing not just sexually but intimately and not listening to your or respecting you. If you don’t deal with these issues the rejection will get worse, to the point that the marriage may break down entirely. These deeper issues must be looked at, not just the manifestation of them in porn. Many couples successfully negotiate one or both partners watching porn, separately, together or both. But those couples are in healthy relationships in which the partners feel trust, mutual respect, kind regard for one another and listen to one another, taking effort to understand each other’s perspectives. If these essential elements are not present, it becomes staggeringly difficult to navigate problems, conflict or differing perspectives and values.
Along with tackling these fundamentals in your conflicted relationship, a counselor will also help you face the issues in your sex life. If your partner experiences rapid ejaculation that could be contributing to his avoidance of sex with you. He may be seeking to express his libido in other ways. This doesn’t mean it’s right, but learning to understand one another is a step you both need to take in your marriage, not just him. You state you enjoy sex and never turn him down, but that the rapid sex is “frustrating”. He may be confused by mixed messages. You can’t fix your relationship unless you are both clear with one another, stop the name calling and abuse, and commit to hearing each other’s perspective and feelings. Only after those things are fixed can you hope to regain the intimacy in your relationship. In essence this is not a sexual issue that needs resolving, it’s an intimate relationship one, and for success, I advise you see a relationship counselor for professional, unbiased guidance. With openness and honesty, you can get your marriage back on track to a healthy, happy, even renewed mutually erotic, state. All the best.