I have had a happy marriage for 33 years but not had any sex for the past 10 years. We are supportive of each other, have lots of laughs and many shared interests. We cuddle and kiss frequently but since my husband had erection problems, we just left it at that. We are now in our 60s with children and grandchildren should I be worried or just leave it as it is? Sometimes I think it would enhance our relationship even more, we are both fit and well.
Answer: There's no sense in worrying about whether you should be worried! You're either distressed or dissatisfied with your love life, or you're not. There is also no point in comparing yourself to others, or what you think a complete and happy marriage “should” look and feel like, at any stage.
A satisfying love life in a happy and healthy relationship does not have to mean sheet sizzling romps weekly throughout an entire marriage. It doesn’t even have to mean sex! Libido naturally fluctuates so regardless of life circumstances, anyone in a long term relationship will go through periods of infrequent or no sex and that’s normal. Really, this boils down to how you as a couple define intimacy and passion. We all assume that is defined by penetrative sex in a heterosexual relationship, but who makes the rules? You do. And no one else.
You will experience sexual passion for recreation far more often in your life than for procreation (if at all for some) so you can choose how that is defined for you, and this can change with time too. Unfortunately, far too many couples define “sex” only as penetrative intercourse and abandon any and all other sexual activity if that can be achieved for whatever reason. It’s a shame because there is a world of sexuality, a buffet of pleasurable delights to be shared which can continue to grow your connection and communication as a couple, if you only choose to be creative with one another.
Having said that, if you are in a companionate relationship and both of you are satisfied and do not desire for anything else at this point, why fix what ain’t broke? Why add pressure to do something if neither of you feels strongly about it? Surely not because you think that’s what you “should” be doing. A healthy relationship doesn’t judge itself against others or perceptions of “norms”. A healthy relationship makes both partners feel good, in every way, makes both partners feel valued and cared for. So if you have that, then just be happy.
Your sixties can be a sexy decade don’t be fooled by the media who portray the sexy years as the youthful ones. We know experience brings great eroticism and empowered desire so if you are feeling like you’d like the next decade to be more sexually active than the last ten years, embrace it! You’re right that it could enhance your relationship, if you both want to explore sensuality between you. Skin to skin contact ignites feel-good biochemicals such as oxytocin which make you feel loving, and bonded together. You’re never too old for that!